Boston Blog
In 2020, life coach Gail Weiner's blog post about ultra-independence as a trauma response went viral, striking a chord with countless women worldwide. Four years later, Gail has expanded on this concept in her new book, "Healing the Ultra-Independent Heart."
Simpatico Publishing sat down with Gail to discuss her journey from recognizing ultra-independence as a potential issue to helping others navigate this complex terrain.
Simpatico Publishing: What inspired you to write about ultra-independence?
Gail: In 2020, I came across an Instagram post suggesting that ultra-independence is a trauma response. This idea resonated deeply with me. I had always seen my self-reliance as a superpower, but I began to question its origins. Reflecting on my past, I realized it stemmed from early experiences that taught me I needed to fend for myself. This self-sufficiency became both a shield against pain and a barrier protecting me from a world I perceived as cold and unsafe.
Simpatico Publishing: Your initial blog post about ultra-independence as a trauma response went viral. Why do you think this concept struck such a chord with people?
Gail: It particularly resonated with women who have been shouldering it all. We've shattered glass ceilings in the workplace, become primary breadwinners, and taken on the lion's share of caregiving at home. Many of us are running on empty, managing everything from household responsibilities to child-rearing, simply because we don't know—or trust—any other way. I believe my article touched a nerve by highlighting how this perceived strength can actually be a protective mechanism that, while saving us in some ways, also isolates us and ultimately leads to burnout.
Simpatico Publishing: In your book, you discuss how ultra-independence can lead to isolation. Can you elaborate on this?
Gail: Independence can become an island. In my thirties, I was part of a book club with other fiercely independent women. We prided ourselves on our strength and stoicism, believing emotions were problematic. I'd boast about my career success, my financial independence, how I didn't need a man to provide. It wasn't until my early forties that cracks began to show. My marriage crumbled, and I realized there was more to life than my career. But I didn't know how to ask for support—heaven forbid anyone see me as less than the superhero I claimed to be. I grew weary of doing everything alone and of others always expecting me to have it all together. My island of independence had become a lonely place, surrounded by impenetrable thorns. That's when I knew something had to change.
Simpatico Publishing: Can you tell us some of the topics we can find in your book?
Gail: First of all, the book begins by acknowledging how our ultra-independence has saved us, then moving onto how trauma has created this hyper-independence. We look at family patterns, what behaviors we have learned from our parents, perhaps mom had to do everything alone or perhaps she was so dependent on dad that you never wanted to be like that. I show exercises on how to reprogram the core beliefs created as a child, about safety, vulnerability, and interdependence. We look at romantic relationships and how ultra-independent women are so very afraid to love. We unpack work dynamics and friendships with exercises in boundary setting and self-love. The book is not about losing your self-reliance, rather about changing it to allow meaningful connections.
Simpatico Publishing: What's one key strategy you recommend for those starting to heal from ultra-independence?
Gail: Learning how to ask for help, how to receive from others without feeling that you owe them. Reaching out to others with baby steps at first, get someone to do something small for you. Keep trying. I know many ultra-independents will say "but Gail, there is no one to ask," and yes, that is true because everyone around you doesn't think to offer help because they assume you have control like you always do. Be gentle with yourself on this journey, move slowly, trust and support take time.
Simpatico Publishing: How has writing this book and working with ultra-independent individuals changed your own perspective on independence and relationships?
Gail: Every woman I've had the privilege of coaching has become a friend. Each session is a two-way street where we learn and heal together. I've noticed a pattern among ultra-independent women: they tend to embody more masculine traits, regardless of their outward appearance. To clarify, you can wear flowing skirts and flowers in your hair yet still exhibit predominantly masculine characteristics.
In this context, masculine energy is about doing—it's the protector, the provider, the logical thinker. Feminine energy, on the other hand, is about being—it's empathetic, compassionate, and understanding. To survive, many ultra-independent women have spent considerable time in their masculine energy.
This tendency creates an interesting dynamic in relationships. My clients and I often struggle to date partners who also embody strong masculine energy, and this applies to both straight and gay relationships. We're accustomed to leading, which means we tend to choose partners who are, in some ways, weaker than us. This might manifest as a partner displaying toxic masculinity (aggressive but ultimately weak) or negative femininity (overly dramatic or anxious). We make these choices subconsciously because we want to maintain control.
I delve deeper into these relationship dynamics in my book, providing a more comprehensive exploration of this complex topic.
Simpatico Publishing: What can we expect next from you?
Gail: I will be releasing an accompanying workbook with exercises and worksheets to really dive into ways to create new patterns, learn about boundaries, heal family relationships and form lasting connections. It will also focus on allowing romance and softer feminine traits into your daily life while still being the incredible warrior that you are.
Where to find the book:
"Healing The Ultra Independent Heart" is available for purchase on Amazon worldwide in both Ebook and Paperback – https://amzn.eu/d/8EtRsD0
For those interested in one-on-one sessions, Gail can be contacted at info@gailweiner.com.
Readers are also invited to join the Facebook Group dedicated to ultra-independence and healing at https://www.facebook.com/